Things That Change
by SacredDemon
Summary: Taking place after season two. Everything changed. Seth is left trying to figure out what he had become and what he really wants. While he´s getting into serious trouble, Ryan is worried, unsure if really knows Seth. [WARNING: Slash RyanxSeth]
1. Different

_**Pairing:** Ryan/Seth_

_**Setting:** Shortly after season 2_

_**Rating:** M; Slash (Gay themes); Mature language; sex, drugs, alcohol, violence...  
**Summary:** After Trey is shot and Seth thought that it was Ryan, his entire life changed. He couldn´t stand himself anymore and slipped into something he wasn´t quite able to handle. While Ryan was worried about Seth, he wasn´t sure how much he knows him anymore. _

**_Author's Note: _**This is the first fic I puplish here... so be nice and gentle on me, please. I always liked the pairing RyanxSeth and found it kinda sad to find hardly any fics where, for once, Seth is the one who has problems. Until now I think that in the show, his problem aren´t taken as serious as Ryan´s and that annoys me a little. So I wrote my own story.

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately I don´t own the O.C or any of those characters. The entire story is made up and relates to no real incidents or people.

_Prologue_

_I never believed that one thing could change your entire life. I never thought the sound of one single shot would be able to make your life fall apart to the point were there was no way to hold it together anymore. One shot._

_I ran, out of breath. The shot rang in my ears. Everything else was forgotten in that moment._

_Summer, who ran beside me... she wasn´t there for me. _

_A shot, the knownlegde that Ryan wasn´t there anymore. _

_Marissa... who lay in the corner, breathing hard and looking out of her mind, I didn't care. _

_Ryan, I suddenly realized that it was only about Ryan. Everything._

_Chapter One_

_Different_

It´s 8 in the morning and I just slipped back into the house, hopefully unnoticed by anyone. I hadn´t planned to be out so long, didn't want to risc beeing caught finally. But no one noticed as I did and so I made my way into the kitchen, pretending it was just a morning like any other.

It wasn´t that much of a lie anyways, as most of my mornings where like this. I just couldn´t help it anymore. Too much had changed to return it into what it had been before. 3 whole month, and I could hardly recognize myself anymore. It all became too confusing to understand, too much to really keep track of things. And I was so tired of it all. So much that I forgot how it felt to really care.

After that evening 3 month ago, everything change. Mom was gone, Grandpa was dead and then I heard the shot. Heard it and my heart felt it was Ryan who way lying on the ground, bloody and dead. The feeling was so strong and overwhelming that I still threw up when it all becomes too intense.

But it hadn´t been Ryan. It had been Trey and Ryan had been alright, just some bruises and a little shock. From this day on nothing was the same anymore.Everything had changed and I had felt how it slipped threw my fingers like sand, unable to hold it together even if I had tried so hard. Until I let myself slip as well.

That´s how I ended up here, in the kitchen at eight in the morning, hardly able to keep myself awake anymore. After that night, Marissa had left to a different school, made different friends although we still stayed in contact. Summer left as well, left for New York to live with her beloved father. I think they just couldn´t stand the atmosphere anymore. When Summer left, I was sad, honestly. Summer looked at me, her gaze was more serious than I had ever seen it before. I wanted to say something, anything to explain the change that had taken place with me. Summer sighed, and spoke before I could even open my mouth. "Cohen, look. Whatever you wanna say, don´t. You´ve been lying way too much in the past days."

She looked at me, almost as if she expected some reaction from me, like a very last chance. But I said nothing. "Cohen, do you remember what I told you when you called me before I would have left with Zach?" I looked at her, knowing so well what she meant, but hardly able to believe that she had really said it. This one sentence from Summer was the first thing that made me realize this.. thing.

Summer smiled at me, it was a sad smile. A smile that said good-bye. "I love you Cohen, but this..." she pointed at both of us. "..can´t work. I mean I´m like... really good looking and all-"

"Summer..." I knew what she was about to do. Make it all easier for us. But that wasn´t going to work, cause this was final. There was no way back. She nodded slightly.

"Good bye Summer... I hope you´ll do really great in NY." I really hoped that for her, maybe she could even hook up with Zach again.

"Seth.." Summer leaned down, placing a last kiss on my lips. I felt hardly anything. "I wish you good luck, with everything." Then she was gone.

Honestly, after a while I couldn´t bring myself to care too much. The image I had in my mind about Ryan lying dead on the ground had made me realize something I had known for a while now, only had I never been able to admit it to myself.

"Hey man." I almost jerked out of my thoughts, not expecting someone to be up already. It was Sunday after all. But Ryan stood in the door, looking still sleepy. He wore only a pair of black boxers and a wide shirt he slept in .I couldn´t help but look at him, couldn´t help but linger on the sight it gave. But Ryan did not seem to notice, or simply didn't care to.

"Hey.." I didn't feel like making conversation. Another thing that had changed. I just couldn´t bring myself to speak much anymore. Whenever I wanted to, my mouth felt dry and worn out, almost like I had already used too many words in my life and now they were all spent, reduced to a minimum. And the other thing was, that I could hardly stand Ryan´s presence anymore. Whenever he was too close to me, I couldn't help but feel like shit.

Because I knew, no matter what I did, if Ryan would find out the truth about me now, he would be disgusted. He would never understand what reasons I had for my actions. He wouldn´t understand me anymore. And it hurt so much, to know that something had happened between me and him that made it impossible for us to be like we used to be.

"You look tired, haven´t slept much?" these days words were spare in this house, even dad shut himself up in his office most of the time. But I could feel that Ryan was trying to make and afford, trying to make something. He had had a hard time, I knew he had. As much as I could I had tried to help him, cause that´s what I wanted. To make him feel better, to bring a smile on his wonderful face. But sometimes it hurt.

I couldn´t help but snort, and I felt as he gave me a questioning look. But I didn't care to explain. So I looked tired? No wonder, tonight I had been busy. Checking the bars, getting drunk and let some asshole guys fuck me for a little tip.

That´s what I had been doing the last three months. That´s what had been eating me up all the time. I had been scared shitless as I had been sure that it had been Ryan who was shot. I had been so afraid that I just had to realize that I hadn´t just been worried over a friend. I had been worried to loose Ryan, to loose him without even being able to tell him how much he meant to me. So much more than I wanted to believe myself, but damn, it was there.

The way he smiled, or used to smile anyways. How his hair fell into his stunning blue eyes again and again, and how he would wipe it away then. Everything about him had be fascinated, captured like a little child who saw Santa Claus for the first time. That affect had Ryan on me, and I couldn´t help it, no matter how many guys I let use my body to satisfy their disgusting needs. Only for a moment, when the pain and the alcohol seemed to get too much, then it felt good. It felt like I was free from everything in this little moment. And this moment was the reason why I did it again and again every night. Why I let this things to be done to me; why I did them to myself.

I knew I could never have Ryan, so why bother trying?

Tired? Yeah, I guess I was tired of it all-


	2. Nothing Out Of The Ordinary

Chapter Two

Nothing Out Of The Ordinary

"Hey buddy? You´re there?" I hadn´t realized that Ryan was still waiting for an answer, still looking at me. His eyes looked directly into mine and I couldn´t help but be afraid that he saw what I was thinking.

Slowly I shook my head free from those toughts, trying to focus on now. I still had my time with Ryan, our friendship and all this. As much as it sometimes hurt to be with him, it hurt much more to be without him. So I forced a smile on my face, pretending to be alright.

"Sure dude, just too hungry to get my brain working, give me another minute.." Oh so Seth like, said innocently enough for him to believe. He gave me one of this wicked smiles and a light shake of his head. A little gesture that made me believe that nothing had changed here, that we still were all happy and content. So I gave in, let Ryan this fantasy that at least this life of his wasn´t going to be destroyed again. I knew he was afraid of that, ever since my mom has gone to this clinic I could see this signs. Little comments he made, the sarcasm that I had owned seemed to switch to him a bit.

And then the incident with Marissa and Trey, it was the top of everything. And I could tell Ryan was afraid that this new life would fail just as his old life in Chino had. But what could I do to make it better? I was hardly able to bring myself to believe that everything was going to be alright again, so how could I make Ryan believe?

"Well Seth, you should probably go and get something to eat then, staring at the counter won´t make you feel better.." he grinned at me, but once again I had been too lost in my thoughts to react at first.

"See man, that´s what I meant.." I replied, grinning a little bit as well and forced myself to walk over to the fridge. My back hurt and it wasn´t easy to walk normally after this night. But I couldn´t let Ryan guess, I had to do everything to pretend that it was just another normal day where we would hang around all day and do nothing. No school, so we could do practically anything we wanted, only that we just felt like doing absolutely nothing. We just hang around, played video games and read comics. That was about all we did, sometimes we went to the beach but it did not change much. Sailing didn't give me the thrill I needed anymore, it exhausted me and was a danger as well. Sometimes I had scars or bruises from my night activities which I couldn´t let Ryan see.

"All right dude, get me some cereals please, would you?" I handed Ryan his cereals and sat down with a begal. Actually I wasn´t really hungry, but I forced myself to eat a bit anyways. Maybe I was still a little drunk, or I was just a little sick from the disgusting man it had been this night, I couldn´t tell but as soon as I swallowed the first bite my stomach revolted.

Everything I could do was jump up from my chair and turn around to throw up in the sink.

"Seth! Shit.." Ryan had jumped up as well, and stood beside me all of the sudden. But I couldn´t help myself. I hadn´t eaten much in the last time but everything came up now.

"What´s wrong dude, are you sick?" The real concern in Ryan´s voice made me shiver slightly, due to the wicked situation we were in. After all it told me that we still cared for each other. But I wasn´t just sick, not physically at least. I could only shake my head slightly to let him know I was alright.

"Nah... just my stomach, I shouldn´t have eaten." I was finally able to choke out.

"You do look sick bud, maybe you should go back to bed, we´re not gonna do much anyways today."

"I´m fine Ryan, nothing out of the ordinary.." Anything to keep the little bit of normality in our both life's

"You just threw up in the sink..." Ryan stated, a hint of amusement in his voice, despite the obvious worry he had in that moment. Even I had to smile a little bit, something that felt almost unfamiliar all of the sudden. In the last time there had only been forced smiles were we all tried to act as normal as possible to assure each other. This time it felt almost relieving to feel that we still could smile like this. It made me remember who I had been not so long ago and how much I, and we all, had changed.

"Oh thanks Ryan, almost forgot it.." I replied and straightned up again. It was a disgusting sight the smell wasn´t much better but Ryan let the water run and it all washed away easily until we both stared into the clean sink again.

"You want some water, or anything?" the taste in my mouth was truly unpleasant, so I nodded and Ryan handed me a glass full of icy water. It tasted fresh and cool, exactly what I needed.

"Thanks Ryan.." Once again I sat down on the chair, sipping my water now and then as I watched Ryan cleaning the sink a little bit more. Normally he wans´t the type to do those stuff in the house, but recently I saw him more and more often doing such chores. Maybe he needed a little bit distraction as well. I went out at night and fucked around and Ryan started to explore his house wife abilities. Once again Ryan seemed to make the better decisions. At least he wasn´t throwing up in the sink.

"No problem Seth. Are you sure you are alright... you look somehow...weird.." He had stopped to fuss around over the sink and simply stood there and looked at me. One leg crossed over the other, his arms folded over his chest while his eyes seemed so totally fixed on me. It almost scared me a little bit, made me feel so vulnerable infront of him. Like he was able to see everything with only one look at me.

But of course it was ridiculus, not even Ryan was able to do so. I had to lower my gaze a little bit to be able to answer him. To lie at him. "A lot changed lately. Everything changed a bit, but I´m fine Ryan. You really have no reason to worry about me." Oh what a blessed liar I was, even I would have believed my words if I wouldn´t feel my back still throbbing with dull pain.

Yet Ryan kept looking at me with this special gaze he seemed to own. His eyebrows where raised a tiny little bit, just enough to let me know he was frowning at me. While his gaze was so intense that my eyes almost began to water if I looked for too long. It was a look that made me shiver and melt at the same time. In a moment like this he could have asked anything from me and I would have obeyed without even thinking. Well, I´d probably to anything Ryan wants all the time, but with this look I would´ve jumped from a bridge for only his amusement, if you get my point. At that moment I didn't even care if he bought my lie if I was just able to look at him like this for a bit longer. It would be a picture I could behold, keep in my memory and remember whenever it got really bad with me. Then such things could always make me feel better.

"You´re right, I´m starting to make things up. But after all the things that happened I´m a little paranoid that it hasn´t stopped yet.." Ryan was worried about me. Oh my god, I felt so good to know how much he cared, even it was far away from how I cared about him. It did not matter, cause every affection he showed me these days was as good as the best trip I could get for money. Better even.

"Sorry Ryan.." I mumbled to myself, realizing that he would be so dissapointed if he ever found out what I did. If he would understand what I had become.

"Huh?" Ryan looked at me sceptically and I wasn´t sure if he had understood my words or not.

"Oh nuthin, I just understand what you mean but I wouldn´t worry. Mom comes home in two days and dads doing better as well. It´s all going up again. AND tomorrow BBC stars the new season of Captain X, if that´s no sign from above.." sometimes it was easy to joke with Ryan. Cause it felt natural to be happy when I was with him. Only that a shadow seemed to hang over it most of the time. But it didn't mean I wanted to be depressed whenever we were together.

"Oh yeah, god must have sent it for us.." I wasn´t sure, but I thought I heard some relieve in his words. Why I couldn´t figure out. Sometimes Ryan was unreadable for me, in all ways.

"Why not? When he was done with all the important things, like saving lives and cancling catastrophies he decided to have some fun and bring joy to all the kids in this country and whererver else BBC is running." Suddenly we were both laughing, shaking our heads in disbelieve of the stupidy of the fact that we were really laughing about such a stupid thing.

"No doubt Seth.." Yeah, of course not.


	3. Insomnia

_What a surprise. I didn't even think myself that I would ever continue this story, but somehow it never lef tmy mind... and tada!!  
So, if anyone is still interessted in this, then please enjoy and review!_

**Insomnia**

The rest of the day we spent in almost unrealistic peace. We played video games, read comics and even managed to go out into the mall to eat something. It was nice, although we did not mention what happened this morning and I was glad about it. Ryan and I acted almost as we did months ago, as for me it felt strange and good at the same time. Today it suddenly seemed so different, everything, from the first moment in the morning, until the late evening where we had dinner with dad. Even he seemed to be a little more cheerful again, as mom was going to come home soon and seemed to be alright as well.

That night I suddenly had the hope that I could sleep again, maybe even for a couple of hours! Unfortunately, as soon as I lay in my bed, I felt as awake as every other night in the past months. It was so annoying, so damn getting to my nerves! Until midnight I lay in bed, once again trying to fight my insomnia. It helped nothing until I finally gave up and gott dressed again. It was a hard decsision, but I decided not to go out tonight. Maybe I could stay at home and would feel better tomorrow. Maybe I could stop what had happened to me.

Why did I need it anyway? For the money? Defenitely not, why should I need some more dollars if my father gave us enough now? For the sex? I wasn´t sure, cause sometimes it felt really great, to get it hard and painful. Sometimes, like yesterday I was simply disgusted and needed it none the less. But why?

The night went by slowly and the more time passed, the more I wanted to go out again. Get some drinks, go into some smutty bar and find someone to go upstairs for some hours. Then there would be this little moment, this seconds where I would feel so damn alright again. Just like a moment were Ryan would laugh again, or hug me. Only that this hadn´t happened often in the last time and so I needed to find it elsewhere, no matter what it cost me.

At 3 am I sat in the living room with a beer, zapping through the programs with no real interesst at all. I just wanted time to pass, until the urge to go out would pass and I would be able to get at least some moments of rest. But just like the day, this night was different.

As I had just gotten myself another beer, the back door to the garden opened and a very awake looking Ryan came in. My heart jumped a little bit, seeing him only in his boxers. He looked stunning and I quickly covered my crotch with the blanket as my dick began to rise at the sight of his tan skin in the dim light.

"Seth?" Ryan seemed surprised to see me, as he looked at me oddly for some moments.

"You´re up?" I asked back, trying to play innocent, although I knew I had lost all of my innocence a long time ago. I did not mind that too much, only I wished it had happened a little bit different. A bit more gentle and slow.

"Couldn´t sleep, it´s too hot in the poolhouse... you?" Ryan´s tone did not change one bit, still suspicious. He came over to the couch and let himself fall down beside me, close enough that I could catch his sweet scent for a moment. I took a breath and enjoyed it, knowing it was kinda sick to feel grateful for his smell.

"The same..." My insomnia had nothing to do with the weather, but I found it pretty hard to explain to Ryan why I couldn´t sleep since months.

"You look like you hadn´t even been in bed at all." Huh? Suddenly his voice was an edge sharper, not much, just enough for me to notice. What was going on?

"Well, I couldn´t sleep so I got dressed again. I don´t quite like it to run around in the house half naked where everyone can see me.." I tried to grin while I nodded towards him, but if anything, his look even hardned.

"Why are you lying Seth?!" I almost jerked back as he suddenly spat it almost out, looking at me angrily. How could he know? I´ve always been careful, so what was he talking about?

"What are you talking about Ryan? Are you maybe sleep walking or anything? If-"

"I´ve been watching you Seth! Not only today, sometimes you´re sneaking out, coming back late and drunk. Or you just stay up all night, not even bothering to try to sleep!" Was Ryan really shouting at me? Was he really sitting on this couch and shouted at me for what I did?

I just couldn´t help but stare at him, unsure of what just happened. Three month Ryan never said a word before when I had been exhausted or worked up in the morning. He had certainly had realized that something was going on, but he had never said a word. Nor had he ever probably guessed what was really going on.

There was just nothing what I could say to Ryan. What could I do? Tell him that he was making it all up, that he was getting really paranoid? Lie at him some more? While he was so right? Was there a chance that he would understand how I felt and why I had never been able to share those feelings with him?

Then I realized how angry Ryan was. He glared daggers at me, and I shuddered slightly. How could I ever tell him when he was already so angry right now?

"Fine Ryan, I´m going out and I can´t sleep. So what? It´s my life and if that´s what I wanna do, then I do it." I couldn´t let him know how much I hated what I did, or myself at the moment.

Now it was Ryan´s turn to stare at me in disbelieve, his anger was gone as he obviously couldn´t believe what just had happened. Had I really talked to him in such a way? I felt even lower now, afraid that this would only bring us more apart. I felt like our relationship couldn´t take much more, we where at a point were everything was on the edge.

Ryan stood up, no more words were said as he left the living room and shut the door behind him. I could watch him walk into the pool house and then he was gone.

I was left alone in the house, my head spinning almost painfully. It hadn´t even been a real argument, we hardly spoke more than two senteces. And yet it had shook me deeply. More deeply than anything that happened recently.

I just couldn´t stand it anylonger. I wanted all thoughts to be gone. I wanted to get rid of my feelings for Ryan, from my craving for his body. And so I did what I did every night when those feelings were getting to overwhelming to bear. I stood and left the house for the bars.

I afforded a cab and let it drive me to the city. By now I knew where I could go, where no questions would be asked. People knew me already, a little bit as least, just how much you get to know someone like me, who isn´t interessted in something serious, not even a talk. Just drink, sex and drugs. That´s it.

I never had real intentions to get to know any of these guys who were regular customers, although I was here more often then all of them together. This night was especially bad. I got into the Knot´s Off, some kinky old bar where they had the cheapest and hardest stuff you can imagine. That´s exactly what I needed. As it was in the middle of the week, the bar wasn´t really crowed and I easily found a seat at the bar.

In my first month I had stayed with easy stuff, like pop mix cocktails or easy shots now and then. But soon it all took too long, and the headache had been far too intense. So I slowly changed to hard stuff, until I really started... well, not like it, but at least tolerate those stuff. I never saw myself as a whiskey drinking guy, but I sat there with a half full glas of golden liquid and ice.

Do I have to mention that this bar was a well known gay bar as well? I thought it was obvious. At first I didn't really care for the guys who were there, as all I wanted to do was to get drunk as quick as possible and ban all thoughts of Ryan from my mind. Hopefully forever. Maybe, if I drank just enough I would fall down and forget everything... wasn´t that a good way to get out of it?

Lately, those thougths really started to dominate my daily thinking. Ridiculous dark thoughts that I just couldn´t force to vanish anymore. I had become the total opposite of myself in a matter of some month.

Don´t get me wrong, I still don´t like alcohol. I never did and never will, so there was just no way of getting alcholic, no matter how much I drank. I had to force every gulp down my throat, the only thing I had learned was how I could prevent to gag or throw up right away.

Maybe sucking cock helped it a little bit. To my credit I have to let you know that I always insisted on using a rubber, no matter what. Only once, when it had been really bad, after a pill, I had been talked into it without and I regretted it a great deal.

I made a test the following day and was scared shitless until I had the results that everything was alright. Since that I was especially careful with drugs so that I wouldn´t loose control again.

So, this night I put a great effort in getting drunk and then, when I finally started to feel a little bit better, I started to gaze around in the bar, trying to figure out who was a proper candiate for tonight. As there weren´t too many people around, my choice wasn´t to great and so I made my decision quite quickly. Not that I was too picky or anything, not when my head was spinnig like it was then.

So my guy of choice sat at the other end of the bar. He was probably a little over 30, well built and as far as I could tell he was quite well dressed. Not someone you would normally expect in a bar like this. But he was handsome, with dark brown hair and green eyes. His face was hard, fixed on his drink on the bar. Normally I would have been unsure about his intentions, if he would be open for mine, only tonight was different. I wanted him.

So I downed my entire drink and walked, or tried anyways, over to him. As soon at it was claer that I was walking towards him, he raised his head and cool emerald eyes watched me. I couldn´t really read much in his eyes, nor did I bother to try. It was enough that he looked me up and down carefuly, it told me that he was at least interessted. It made things a lot easier.

"Hey." I placed my body close to his, so that my side was lightly brushing against his.

"How much?" I couldn´t help but grin, brushing a strand of dark locks from my eyes. So, he was no one to mess around long before coming to business. Not that I cared much tonight, I just wanted sex..

"100$" I replied nonechalantely, he surely looked like he could afford it easily. So why care? Sure,I had done it for much less with much uglier guys, but it didn't matter. The man observed me closely, obviously trying to figure out if I was worth the money. Then, what caused me to smile for a second, he nodded. I wasn´t sure why even took money for what I did, cause honestly I wanted it maybe even more than he did. So maybe I just took the money so that it felt a little bit like I wouldn´t want it. It was ridiculous, even for me. Dedrading myself to a (now not so) cheap whore.

"We go upstairs and use a rubber." I said simply, trying to make clear that there was no arguing about this. Some guys wanted me to come with them, but I never agreed to that. It was too personal for me. But with this guy it was a little weird, I felt like he didn't really care for what I wanted at all. He marely smirked at me, his cool green eyes, so unlike Ryan´s, almost taunted me.

"Like I would do it with someone like you bare.." his cold voice felt like a hit into my gut. I stared at him, blinking once to guess if he really had said what I heard. But there was no doubt. Never before someone had treated me like this, so increadibly degrading like I wouldn´t even be worth a second of his time. Like I could be glad he agreed to this offer.

He started to walk, without looking if I´d follow or not. I stared after him for a moment, the alcohol still fogging my mind. I could hardly think clear, nor stand straight. So I did the only thing I could. I walked after him. The rooms could be rent for hours, the rent was 10$ a hour. It was normal that he would pay.

As I came upstairs, he was already undoing his shirt, a tidy white business shirt, expensive probably. I knew those kind of shirts, owned them myself. It didn't matter. "Undress.." was the simple order he gave me. No introduction, nothing. But I was too drunk, too horny and too upset from my earlier encounter with Ryan to care much. I started to undress, first my shirt, revealing my slim, well toned chest. Guys liked my body, especially guys like he seemed to be. They liked to feel the power they had over another human, another man. I didn't care.

He stood there in his black suit trousers and shiny shoes and watched me without a clear expression on his face. The only visible reaction was the buldge that started to grow in his crotch. At least something. Then I let my trousers slide down to the ground, my boxers remained the only thing on my body. He smirked slightly, obviously pleased with what he saw. Without further ado I stepped out of by boxers until I was totally naked. I wasn´t aroused, but it didn't matter. It wasn´t what I was looking for.

"Get on the bed and keep your mouth shut, I don´t wanna hear you talking.." Another thing that surprised me honestly. Most guys wanted to hear me talking, to tell them how good they were. I was pretty good at faking moans. But he wasn´t interessted, so at least I wouldn´t have to pretend. I complied and moved anto the bed, totally calm. The alcohol had made my body numb and my brain dense. He undid the rest of his clothes and under other circumstanced he would have looked really great for a guy of his age. His body was well formed, not to muscular but strong. A little to hairy for my own taste, but still good looking. His cock wasn´t small, nor to big . Average.

I´m not sure if I should tell you what happened in this hour. It was one of those experiences I don´t like to think of. For one of the first times in my life I was really under the control of some other guy. I was too drunk to protest as he pulled out the cuffs, and then I was chained.

He was rough, uncaring if it hurt me or not. He satisfied his own, sadistic needs and my screams seemed to arouse him. Don´t get me wrong, in some ways it was an extraordinary expierience, but I have never before felt so cheap, worthless and dirty.

After he was finsihed he threw the money beside my naked, shaking body and left the room. I was alone again and had to stop my tears. That´s what I had become, a dirty whore for some arogant business jerk. I was able to pull up my clothes. As I glanced into the mirror, my eyes were red and puffy, my throat felt sore. A dark bruise covered my right cheek and some scratches were on my neck. I didn't look good. But the exhaustion was too big, I felt sick and the alcohol was still raging through my body.

I stumbled down and was about to leave right away as a hand grabbed me. I almost lost my balance, only as I held onto the bar I was able to prevent the fall. The bar tender was looking at me, his gaze hard. "The mony, boy. It was over an hour." I blinked again. He hadn´t paid?!

Asshole! I mumbled something and searched for the money in my pocked. I handed him 20 dollars and he seemed satisfied. I knew I really needed to go, I was feeling increadibly sick and everything already started to spin around me. The entire bar was just a blurr for me. But luck wasn´t at me side anymore. As soon as the bar keeper was gone, another man came up to me. He was huge. A bear you would probably call him if you would see him on the streets. Big, hairy and obviously horny. Without a word he pulled me close to him, his strong arm holding me around my waist.

I gasped surprised, the bruise the man earlier had left there hurt. I struggled, trying to free myself from him. "Hey hey... I need some attention.." he smirked stupidly and rubbed his crotch against my body. I shivered with disgust, once again pushing against him.

"Fucking hold still you slut!" His grip was getting painful and I realized with panic that I couldn´t fight against him! I was drunk, hurt and tired.  
"Get off me... I´m leaving.." I was able to mumble, but it was like I never said it. He pressed me closer and his grip seemed to crush my arm. I started to whimper slightly as his hand reached for my ass.

"Hey!" My heart stopped all of the sudden. Qucikly one hand was removed from my body and I felt as the man steadied himself slightly. "He said he wanted to go. So you better get off him. Now!" even in my drunk state, hardly able to keep myself up, I knew who this guy was. I couldn´t decide if I was more relieved or terrified. It was Ryan. Ryan.


	4. When you can´t pretend

_So, another chapter already, I really got into this again._

_I´m sorry for spelling and/or grammar mistakes, english is an foreign language to me, and I do my best. So be kind and just read over them, pretend they aren´t there._

_Have fun with the new chapter._

**When you can´t pretend…**

"What do you interfer? He´s just a bar slut...it doesn´t matter." I felt my heart stop. He knew it. There was no hiding anymore. "Well, if your filthy hand´s are on MY brother, then it is my business, so if you don´t get your hands off him in one second´, I swear I will call the police. And then explain what you are doing with a drunk, 17 year old, in such a bar." The words had their effect, cause from one moment to the other, the man stepped back from me with one swift move. Immediatly I lost my balance and sank towards the ground.

What happened next was more a blurr than anything else, but I guess Ryan caught me in time cause I never felt any pain. He must have brought me to his car, the next thing I knew was that we drove and I stared out of the window. He said nothing, only stared silently at the street while I tried to keep my stomach from revolting again. My head hurt increadibly and all I could think of was:

He knew…

Ryan knew. He what I had done, what I had become. He would never talk to me again. I would loose him totally. He would be disgusted. I did everything wrong...

The drive passed quickly, I think I just lost conciousness now and then. But the one moment I woke up in the car, the next moment I saw our house appearing infront of us. Everything was dark and silent. Ryan drove slowly, and as far as I dared to look at him, I could make out that his expression was fierce. Like it was his greatest effort not to show any other emotions.

The car stopped and it was totally silent. I couldn´t move and my mouth was too dry to say antything. Ryan seemed to realize this as well, cause he got out of the car after some moments. I managed to open my door, but as I wanted to move, everything started to spin again and I fell forward. I managed to gasp, before Ryan caughe me once again this night. "Be careful!" he snapped at me, his tone a mixture between cold and concerned. Like he couldn´t decide if he was angry at me or not. I could understand.

"Sorry.." I mumbled and leaned against him. I was sorry for it all. For the fact that he had to get into this trouble, that he had to see me this way. I don´t think he got it, but that was alright.

As I was finally in the fresh air again, my stomach gave up and with one quick move I was finally at the ground and vomited heavily. Mostly it was just the alcohol that came back up.

My body was shaking badly, tears finally came as I felt so damn desperate! I could hardly believe that I had just lost all I had left.

"Seth..." Ryan had his arm around me, supporting me. But at the moment I felt it all come down. Everything from the moment that I heard the shot to now. My body was shaking with sobs, as I couldn´t hold it back anylonger. "I´m sorry Ryan...I didn't... I wouldn´t...I.."

I could hardly form any words now, tears and sobs shaking me so heavily that I was afraid it would overwhelm me. Ryan´s arm tightened around me, but he remained quiet none the less. For some long minutes he let me cry out my misery. He just held me and let me calm down again. Sooner or later I would have to explain to him, and he would probably turn from me. That was unpreventable. But for now he still held me and I forced myself to enjoy my last minutes with him.

Ryan helped me up as soon as I was calm again, he supported me and helped me to get into the house. I felt so uncomfortable, as he still said no single word to me. He just was silent, his eyes unreadable. I felt like I would rather die than let this continue. I was glad he saved me, but I would have rather let this man use me than explain to Ryan what he saw there.

He brought me to the couch and let me sit down. Then he left. I was alone and in the darkness with nothing than my thoughts. My throat burned and my body ached like it had never done before. I felt so bad, so worthless. I could hear the water running in the kitchen and at one point I could hear a heavy bump. I jerked a little, but as I heard the footsteps comming back I knew everything was alright.

Ryan came back with a glas of water, like he had done just this morning. Had it just been some hours ago that this had happened? For me it seemed like month had passed since that.

He held the glass out for me. "Drink."

I flinched at his tone, hardly able to keep from shivering. The same tone than this man had used on me today. The man had wanted to make me feel that I was his whore and I had been able to stand it. But I couldn´t stand to let Ryan treat me like this, like a whore. I took the glass with shaking hands, trying not to spill all of it over the carpet.

Ryan´s form seemed to relax slowly and he sat down beside me. He sat close, our side were touching slightly and once again it caused me to flinch in pain. The bruises there were especially painful. Ryan seemed to notice and moved back immediatly. "What´s this?" he asked, his fingers suddenly lifting my shirt! I moved back in panic, not wanting him to see this. But it was too late. He had seen it..

For some moments his eyes lingered on the purple bruise, before they came to my own. He gazed at me with a questioning, sad look. I could hardly stand the way he looked at me. It was a heavy silence between us, hard and painful. It seemed like it made it hard for me to breath, hard to swallow. I knew he was so dissapointed and I wished nothing more than to free him from those fears he had. But I couldn´t.

"Are you alright Seth?" His blue eyes suddenly looked only concerned, only worried over me. I was really startled as his question as I had expected him to shout at me, to be angry and cold. But Ryan´s blue eyes had gone all soft again, only waiting for me to tell him the truth. What could I do? Lie to him again and continue this stupid game? There was no way. I shook my head. No I wasn´t alright, in no way.

For a moment Ryan seemed to wait for me to say some more, to maybe explain myself to him. But I couldn´t. There was simply now way how I could make him understand me. The only way he would might guess my reasons, were to confess my feelings for him, and that would´ve ruined everything. So, what choice did I have?

"Tell me, Seth. Explain what I saw today!" his voice had gained a little force again, but he didn't soud angry. Only sad and maybe confused. I froze and hastily tried to search for an explanation, for anything I could tell him. But Ryan was quicker. "Shit! I don´t want you to make up any lies anymore! Just fucking tell me why I had to follow you in a gay bar tonight!"

As much as I tried not to, at the increadible truth of his words my body started to shake again. Tonigh it was just too much, every little thing seemed to bring me out of my shell. I bit down on my lip, looking at Ryan pleadingly. But it made no sense, I knew it. "I...I... just wanted to get out.." I stuttered quietly, unsure of myself and my words.

"So, you are gay?" his question was final. I bit down harder.

"Yeah... yeah I am..." I was finally able to confess. My heart was beating so fast that I could feel it in my ears. My blood was rushing through my veins, hot and boiling.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier Seth? Is this the reason you went there? God Seth...you could´ve got seriously hurt there... what did you think I´d say?" His angry voice had become totally desperate, as if he truly believed he could turn the things back if he only wanted them bad enough. I stared at him, my mouth slightely open in surprise. I hadn not expected such a reaction from him.

"Ryan...what are you-?" I started to say, but he cut me off again.

"Do you know how dangerous this can be? After all that happened...how can you be so careless? I don´t want you to get hurt... not you as well." His voice was dying down slowly, until it was nothing more than just a whisper. Now I was even more surprised.

Without thinking I reacher over to him, and for a moment it seemed like we were back in old times. I just pulled him into a hug and he returned it with a intensity I wasn´t used to anymore. For a moment I flinched, but ignored the slight ache as this felt much better than anything else. "I´m so sorry Ryan... I´m sorry. I didn't... I did not... think. I... I Just got there and... and... gods Ryan I´m so sorry.." I finally chocked out while pressing my face against his shoulder. His scent was filling my loungs, sweet, unique. Ryan.

I don´t know why, but we just held each other. As much as I wished, there was nothing sexual in this gesture. It was just a brotherly hug, he held me close to let me know how much he cared and I craved for his support. "How long Seth... how long have you been doing this?" he asked quietly, his breath brushing over my neck. I couldn´t help but shiver, as wrong as it was in that moment. Our closeness felt so great, so good like nothing else I ever knew.

I told him the truth. "Ever since... ever since that night, since I thought it had been you that had been shot. First gramps... and then mum...I just... I couldn´t... I thought you were dead!!" finally it was out. My greatest fear wich I hadn´t told anyone, not even Summer, was out. I held onto him, to make sure he wouldn´t let go of me again. But he didn't even make a move to do so, instead he only continue to hold me.

"Seth...I never knew that..." he said gently, and for once the introverted, calm Ryan was gone. Once again I realized how much was against us. It felt so good, despite the situation we were in. "I knew something was wrong, all the time...but I thought it was just... I don´t know. Only this morning I suddenly understood that it was something more serious, so I decided to follow you after our argument tonigh."

Silence was what followed after that. I had no idea what to say to Ryan now, how to explain to him why he had to see me like this tonight. Of course it seemed pretty obvious that there was nothing more to explain. But there was something in the air, something that told me that Ryan wasn´t finished just yet. "I can´t stop Ryan... I tried, but it seems like it´s totally impossible.."

So it was out. Everything I had become was laid out to Ryan and he didn't let go of me. At the moment it was just reassuring to feel someone touch me in such a way. Not sexual, not right now, but simply good.

"You want that to stop?" Uncomfortably I writhed my way out of our awkward embrace. Ryan asking me if I wanted this all to stop? Did I?

Now that Ryan knew it made all things different, a little bit at least, but on the other hand, I didn't even got close to getting what I really wanted. That Ryan knew didn't change the fact that I couldn´t have him. So did I really want to stop?

Ryan´s gentle look changed to a suspicious one. And yet I found myself unable to answer him right away. What was it I really wanted? Could I just quit what had been going on, only because Ryan asked me to? Earlier I said that I would do anything for Ryan if he just asked me to, but all of the sudden I felt different.

"I´m gonna help you, Seth..." his hand lay on my shoulder, trying to make a real effort. What else could I do but nod my head yes? So, Ryan would help me to get myself together again? He of all people, the main reason why I had turned to such ways? Even if he really wanted to help me with all this, was he able?

But there was no way telling Ryan this. It wasn´t only my life that had been screwed up in the past and I very well knew that Ryan´s life was at the edge as well. He probably needed this as much as I did. Maybe needed to feel that someone needed him.

The moment was awkward and I felt like I had to say something more. But there were no words left that I could use. Everything felt stupid and not fitting to this situation.

"Come on Seth, let´s get upstairs. I want to make sure you aren´t seriously hurt." He looked at me frowning slightly.

"It´s not necesarry, really. It´s not the first time... I´ll be fine tomorrow, honestly." I didn't want Ryan to see me. To finally notice in what shape my body had become. It was possible that he already could guess, but I wasn´t about to bet on that.

"No way. You´re comming with me now. We´re going upstairs, I´ll check you up and the you´re going to bed. There is no arguing about that right now Seth." He wouldn´t have had to say it, his tone made it all to clear. I have never heard him talking like this, to no one. Suddenly I felt like he was responsible for me. Ryan stood up, grabbing my arm gently and taking me with him. I walked after him, quietly and slowly. We said nothing on the way upstairs. I was a little surprised that dad hadn´t woke up yet, but on the other hand... after all that happened lats year, with Rebecca and mum, I couldn´t blame him. Even if it hurt a little bit. A year earlier dad would have never missed what was going on with me, or Ryan. He would´ve tried everything to find out what was wrong with us, not sulk in his office, drowning himself in work. I hardly recognized our lifes anymore.

Up in the bathroom Ryan took out the first aid kit, and said nothing all the while. I sat on the edge of the bathtub, starring onto the white floor, trying to ignore the awkward silence between us. Ryan took out whatever he needed until he kneeled down infront of me, looking as if he wanted to propose. I smiled at that.

"Undress." I almost felt like he had punched me in the gut, really hard. Like Luke had done the first night Ryan had spent in Newport, only even harder. The same words, the same tone even than that guy tonight. The same look! Like I wouldn´t be worth his time. He probably hadn´t used that tone on purpose, but somehow it had slipped out, and I understood. I reailzed as what Ryan saw me now. As a bar slut...

As the reality of it all hit me, I stumbled to my feet, ignoring Ryan´s surprised protest. I couldn´t stand him treatening me like that.

I managed it to my room, locking the door before Ryan could come in as well. I don´t know why, but at the moment I couldn´t stand to see him anymore. I let myself fall down onto the bed and for the very first time since that faithful night, I felt so exhausted and tired that I fell asleep immediatly as my head hit the pillow. I didn't hear as Ryan hit the door to make me open up. I didn't hear how my father finally realized that something was going on and joined Ryan.


	5. Pay The Price

_I've been on a 3 week holiday and just came back, so there was no way updating any sooner ____. Lame exxuse I know, I will honestly try to update more often, especially after the very awesome and fantastic reviews I've got._

_I love such constructive and nice reviews, I really do my best not to make too many mistakes, though I'm afraid that there are still quite some._

_If anyone who's advanced in english is interessted in reading the chapters first, then just contact me, I'd be thankful for every kind of help._

_(at here is my next chapter, I hope you will like it and I thank you a lot for you patience with me, I know how annoying it is to wait so long for the next chap._

_But I've the next 5 chapters already written and only need to edit them, so it won't take very long this time. Promise._

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**_Pay the Price_**

When I woke up the next day, I felt sick. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was that I wasn´t alone anymore. I had no idea how they managed to get into my room, but suddenly Ryan was sitting beside my bed, his blue eyes fixed on me. I jerked upright, trying to figure out where I was and how I ended up in my bed like this.

"You want some coffee?" Ryan held a cup of hot, steaming coffee in his right hand, infront of his face. It smelled wonderful to me. Heavenly. Without a word he took the cup and got out of bed. Remembering what exactly had happened the night before I couldn´t be here with Ryan any longer. Seeing Ryan made me realize what a drastic turn my life had taken once more. But I did not get far. For once Ryan was immediatly there and grabbed my arm, holding me back even against my protest. And then my father appeared in the doorway.  
For the first time since mom was gone he really looked like dad again.

Real dad like. I jerked back, immediatly feeling guilty. How much had Ryan told my father? How much could he guess if Ryan had said nothing at all?

"Anywhere you wanna go?" he asked me, his tone flat. It was hard to guess how much he knew. "Bathroom." I said back, just as flatly as he had done. He wasn´t the only one who could play this game.

"Are you gonna lock yourself up again?" That was so typical for my father. He always had to be straight forward, only that I had to admit that I forgot it a little bit in those past month. It almost felt like I didn't know him anymore. He still was dad, but for me he had changed. It felt unreal to see him so normal again, like he used to be. Was everyone getting better again?  
Why couldn´t I?

"Well, I normally lock the door when I go to the toilet, so Iguess yeah.." But dad was the last one who had the right to treat me this way. He had given up the responsibilty for me, he let me do whatever I wanted to do, and all of the sudden he felt bad about it and wanted to return it all. But that wasn´t possible. My life had changed, I had changed and I couldn´t just go back and pretend everything was so fine. Ryan wouldn´t let me anyways.

"Don´t you play smartass with me. Go back to bed Seth, Ryan´s gonna stay here. I´ll go and call you mother that she should better stay for a while longer, until we get things fixed here.."

Get things fixed? Is that what they had planed? I snorted, looking at my dad with a weak smirk. "Call mom? Tell her she can´t come home because I messed up? That´l do just great for her. You don´t know what´s going on here dad, and you certainly are one of the last people who can fix anything. If you want things to go back to like they used to be, go invent a time turner and go back." Never in my entire life I had talked to my father in such a way.

Never before I had managed to stay so calm while saying such things. Ryan, who had remained silent all the while stared at me as if he had just seen a ghost. My father was beyond that. I already feared he would have a heart attack right away. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I used the silence and walked past him, out of my room and into the bath. I locked the door.

Great, so my family finally found out? First they had to find out about my mom and now it was my turn to dissapoint them. Even if I had just talked to them like that, I still felt guilty for doing such things. They were good people, who honestly loved me. But recently things had changed too much. Yesterday I had had a breakdown, it had all become too much for me and I don´t wanna pretend it wasn´t like that. But right then, in the bathroom I truly felt for the very first time that I couldn´t stop. There was no way back, and it scared me shitless.

I stayed in the bathroom for over an hour, thinking. While I had done all those things, went out and got drunk... I somehow always wished someone would notice. That someone would care for me enough to see that something wasn´t alright anymore. And now that it was the case... I was confused. At one point I did not want to dissapoint them, but then again... why should I care? They were all getting better, mom would come back and everything would return to their old ways. It wasn´t my responsibilty to make sure everything would run smoothly.

When I finally came out of the bath I wasn´t surprised to find my father and Ryan waiting outside for me. I guess they feared I would sneak out again if they didn't stay. It amused me a little, knowing that for the very first time they realized that I wasn´t perfect. Sure, I had done stupid things before this, but until then I had always been the responsible one, the one who wouldn´t get in serious trouble. The one who would always joke and be happy. I wasn´t happy. And they realized exactly that.

"We need to talk Seth..." my father´s expression showed concern. I was sure Ryan had told him more about last night. He had that special, shocked glint in his eyes as he looked at me. I looked at Ryan, who held my gaze perfectly. His piercing blue eyes looked at me, telling me that I should feel sorry for my words. I wasn´t sorry for it, it was true after all.

"Look dad, I don´t feel like talking. There is nothing I´ve got to tell you." I knew it was hard, but my father was the last person with whom I wanted to talk about my sexual life. He looked hurt.

"What´s going on with you Seth? I know I haven´t been there for you much lately...and now I see that I´ve probably seen to late that you´re not alright. But I´m here...I´m still your father and if you need help...and you need help, I´m here. So please talk with us..." It was one of my fathers famous speeches, his moral lectures you could hardly ever resist. But somehow it didn't effect me anymore. It sounded nice, and right...and as I looked at him I felt dirty and shitty...but that´s what I´ve become.My father had no idea who I was anymore, he had no idea what to say to me.

I looked at him for a while, saying nothing. "Thanks dad, but I´m not interessted. Just because I drank too much for once doesn´t mean I´m not alright. I´m not Marissa and I´m not mom." I already knew while saying it that it would hit dad right in the gut and of course I was right. He stared at me, his mouth slightly open.

"Seth!" for the first time Ryan spoke again. Until know he had said nothing at all, just listened. I turned to look at Ryan, he glare at me. "What?! I´m just beeing honest. What hadn´t happened here very often in the past." We all had pretended that everything would be just so fine, while we were simply breaking apart.

"Alright, if we´re beeing honest right now, then let´s start. Don´t you think you should thank me for yesterday? If you remember of course. I do quite well, I remember as I almost had to carry you out of the bar, half sobbing half telling me how sorry you are!" Now it was me who had gotten one good hit. Ryan was right. I hated what I did, and last night had been no exeption. I had thought that maybe I could stop, yesterday it had all sounded so good... so tempting. But right now I wanted to go out. Get drunk and maybe get some guy..

Had I really gotten that far already?

My dad looked at me sadly. He was sad, dissapointed and probably desperate that the entire family would break apart. I could understand him. But I couldn´t bring myself to do something against it. "Okay Ryan. Thank you for yesterday. For getting me out... if you like to think so. But actually it hadn´t been my first night there... and until now I always came back. So, in our honesty, I couldn´t care less if you would have left me there yesterday. You really think this one more time would have mattered?"

I wasn´t beeing honest. Last night had been different, everything about yesterday had been different and if Ryan wouldn´t have come to help me... I don´t even want to think about it.

But Ryan bought my lie. His blue eyes got a shade darker, like he suddenly realized what I had said to him. My father stepped inbetween us, looking puzzled.

"Boys...please, we don´t need to start throwing dirt at each other. We´re a family, even if were no perfect one. Don´t you guys wanna at least try to patch things up? Your mom´s coming back, do you want her to come home and see us like this?" He was trying it with guilt, and it worked. It wasn´t mom´s fault that I couldn´t stand myself anymore. I loved my mom and wanted her to be happy. Seeing her like I did in the summer was... terrifying. Realizing that my parents weren´t perfect was hard for me.

Ryan looked concerned, his forhead showing a tiny frown. "Mom doesn´t have to know about this. But that doesn´t mean I want to talk about it. That´s the deal." I stepped back so that I could look at both of them. It was hard to tell what they thought, especially Ryan. My stomach hurt, only from thinking about those things I had said to him just now. Ryan... who was the only person who gave me some kind of peace in the past months. How could I´ve been so mean to him?

"Okay...until your mother is better again, and got used to her life here we will keep this silent. I don´t want her to fall back into drinking right away, but that doesn´t mean this is over either. We ARE going to talk about it, if you want or not. You aren´t allowed to go out at night anymore, Ryan´s going to sleep in your room from now on. No drinking." I looked at my dad for a long time, then turned my look at Ryan.

He was almost pleading me with his eyes to agree. It sounded so easy. To quit it all and return to the ways our life had been before the summer. But it wasn´t easy. I smirked at my dad.

"I´ll try..." was all I could give them.

My father smiled, a real dad smile. Before I could move or protest I was wrapped up in his arms, pressed close to him. He held me tightly and I couldn´t help but wince in pain.

"I love you son." He said confidently and held me even closer. " Please stop hurting youself..." I don´t know why, but suddenly his words had a meaning. Maybe it was the sad, desperate tone he had spoken them with. Or maybe because it was the first time he seemed to be realy concerned about me and not about the family.

He let go of me and left for his office, leaving me there confused.

Ryan stood beside me, only looking. For a whole while we remained like this, both of us just looking at the other. Once again it was me who wasn´t strong enough to stand his gaze anylonger. I lowered my gaze. "I´m sorry Ryan... for the trouble. I never meant to get you all involved into this mess, really." I didn't want him to be mad at me. If Ryan would stop talking to me I would be lost.

Ryan sighed, I could hear that he was confused himself and probably sad. "Seth, Sandy and I...just want to help you. Nothing else really matters right now. Yesterday, it was like... I had no idea who you were anymore. And I have to be sorry for not noticing it. Let´s just both try to; get to know each other again."

Seth scared me. This situation scared me. Yesterday had scared me.

Something had happend that was out of my control and at the moment I felt like there was aboslutely nothing I could do to make it all better. Seth looked at me, his hazel eyes so different than two years ago. Was that really the innocent, talkative boy I had met on my first morning here in Newport? Right then I looked at him and saw a boy who was scared, hurt and confused. Something had happened to him that I hadn´t seen and now I felt like I was the only one who could help him.

He did not look at me, like he used to do more and more often in the past.

Seth... it was still hard for me to believe what I had seen yesterday... although I had already guessed I had never thought he was that bad. I couldn´t let this continue, I couldn´t let him ruin himself anymore. Not Seth.

"I´m going to bed again...I´m still tired and-" he was chewing his lip, glancing at me now and then. I sighed and nodded my head quietly. What was I supposed to do?

"Go to bed and rest. Ill get you something to eat and drink Then I´m gonna check you over, you´re not looking good.." He looked uncomfortable, but said nothing again.

What was he thinking? What meant that look he gave me more and more?

After everything that had happened this summer... at first I thought it was just normal. Everything had changed and I was sure that we would return to our old ways. But nothing changed again. It remained awkward and really weird.

After Trey had tried to kill me, after Marissa saved my life by shooting him...I had to take my time to recover. And then it was already to late to really get what had happened with Seth.

But right now... I had no one but him. Of course, there were Sandy and Kirsten, but they had their own problems and it wasn´t the same. Seth was the only one left, and I felt that I was only a tiny step away from loosing him as well. I didn't want that. I needed him... more than he probably ever guessed.

It had always been like this. Seth, in his own weird way, had been my rock. Whatever happened, he had been there and there had never been a doubt in our friendship. Marissa had come and left... Lindsey went away and even Kirsten was gone now. While Seth... had always been there. He would have sold his boat just to help me.

Seth walked past me and into his room. Out of the corner of my eye I could see as he removed his shirt, only to see those angry red marks on his skin. Some were swollen and purple. He really did not look alright, and it made me damn angry to know some guy would hurt him like that! And it confused me that Seth let someone willingly hurt him like that.

Had it happened just lately, or had I really overseen this side of him all the time we knew each other now? It seemed like I had to get a lot of questiones answered by him in the next time.

I went down in the kitchen, not hurrying while preparing some snadwiches for both of us. I defenitely needed the time to think a little bit over it all. So, Seth was gay... it didn't really shock me that much after all. It was the one thing that I already guessed about him, pretty much from the beginning. Seth´s love for Summer was honest... but just not the way it was supposed to be. It really wasn´t the thing that troubled me... why should it. It was the tiniest problem we had right now.

Kirsten would be home in a day and if she would find out what had happened to her precious son while she was gone... well, I don´t think she would be able to stand all the things that had happened to Seth in those months. And that coulnd´t happen, or the family would totaly break apart. In the past 2 years they had become more of a family to me than my real family had ever been and I never thought that it would once get so far. I felt responsible for them... most of all for Seth. I had always felt the need to protect him, but never so much like I do now. The fact that he had been hurt and hurt himself was almost unbearable for me and it made me angry at myself that I hadn´t seen it earlier.

Whenever something had been wrong with me, Seth had been the first person to notice. He had that gift to sense if something was wrong with me and to get it out of me. And what had I done? Brooded it my own misery while he would have needed me.

At least now I had to make it up a little, as much as I could. I sighed and looked at the plate full of sandwiches. It looked like ever, there was absolutely nothing special about it.

I wished everything would be so uncomplicated like those sandwiches were. But that wasn´t the case right now and actually I should´ve been used to dealing with weird situation by now.

Ryan was downstairs again, leaving me totally awkward on my bed.

To say I was a little shaken was probably the greatest understatement of the world. The confrontation with my father and with Ryan had exhausted me totally. Enough to make me feel powerless infront of Ryan. Although I had slept tonight I still felt like I could use another good night of sleep, my body aching and throbbing even more painfully than the night before. But that was something I already got used to, the hangovers made it all just worse.

I sighed miserably and stared at my ceiling, feelin so uncomfortable with my dad and especially Ryan knowing about me. I felt naked.

When he came back up he did carry a tray with sandwiches and water along. It honestly looked delicious, but my body felt totally not ready for some decent food. It was Ryan´s expecting and worried gaze that made me grab one sandwich.

"Look´s good.." I mumbled into the bread, already feeling disgusted by the smell of it.

"You don´t." Was Ryan´s reply, which caused me to choke on the tiny bit of bread I had forced myself to swallow. I looked at Ryan in disbelief, wondering if I had just imagined him saying it or not. But his gaze remained perfectly serious.

"Does it hurt a lot?" he finally asked. Obviously he had realized that I would not reply anymore. What the hell should I have said to that?!

I shook my head slightly. "It´s not that bad, nothing unusual." I just said it to calm him down, but by his look I realized what effect my words had on him. Great, just great.

"Oh, good to now you´re used to ending up bruised and abused in the morning.." his voice was full of sarcasm, but his eyes defenitly showed worry.

"I didn't mean-"

"O shut up now Seth, will you? I´m not here you hear to lying to me some more. If you don´t wanna tell me what has been going on lately, then just say nothing, but stop lying."

I flinched slightly as his hand touched my naked stomach. It was cool and soft, feeling so relaxing on my tortured skin. But Ryan of course, was only checking my bruises.

"Okay...I won´t." Lying to Ryan had always been the hardest of all, and quitting with it... it would feel so wonderful if I just could be totally honest with him again. No more lies between the two of us, just like it used to be.

Ryan´s gaze had remained on my eyes and his expression had softened slightly as he realized that I was talking sincerely this time.

"Have you been sleeping lately?" it was an easy question, one I could answer. His fingers continued to brush over my skin, checking the different kind of bruised. It felt great, almsot electric and I had to keep myself from moaning pretty bad. I felt so exposed to him, yet I knew I had to hold back the effects his touches had on me.

"Uhh...I..well, not much... actually." I confessed, feeling my body heating up by his gentle moves. Oh god... why did he has to do this right now?

Me hesitance only caused him to frown more, reading the signs wrong.

"What´s not much?"

"Mhh... couple of hours..some nights nothing. I tried, but I couldn´t sleep...just lay awake until it started to make me crazy. I had nightmares...about... you know what.." Great, I was stumbling over my own words, making a total fool out of myself infront of Ryan once more. If he hadn´t realized what was going on by now, then he was really a naiv guy. I mean, could he really not see what was really going on with me? It seemrf so damn obvious to me.

But Ryan said nothing, he looked at me for some time, his blue eyes full of concern and doubt. "That is really not healthy... maybe you should go and see a doctor..."

A doctor?  
Without being able to raise my gaze I replied. "I don´t think the reasons for my insomnia can be healed by doctor Ryan... I just can´t. It´s not that I wouldn't want to, or wouldn't try..." I've spent hours in bed, waiting for the sleep to come over me. But the only time I could sleep was when I came home in the morning, drunk and so exhausted that there would be no way to stay on my feet anylonger. Of course I couldn´t tell him that.

"We´ll just have to try. I´m sure we do have sleeping pills somewhere, they might help you to fall asleep." I nodded and didn't mention that I've already tried that, cause Ryan really made an effort to help me. It wasn't his fault that somehow I didn't want any help, not even from him.

Once again it was silent for a while, Ryan chewed on his sandwich while I inspected mine really close. I knew I couldn´t eat anything, or last morning would repeat itself in a matter of seconds.

Just as the silence was slowly getting odd, Ryan looked up at me again. His expression was somehow fierce, like he was arguing with himself if he should speak or not. He decided to speak.

"Seth, what... exactly made you freak out yesterday, in the bathroom? What happened?" I couldn´t help but flinch at his question.

I bit my lip slightly, contemplaining if I should tell him the truth or not. Would he understand if I did? Or would he feel even more repulsed?  
"I really would like to know.." he added as my obvious inner struggle reached new heights.

"It´s... not easy. I mean it´s, you know.." I glanced at him, really hoping he'd understand my hint. "I know. I promise I´m not gonna say anything if you don´t want me to." I nodded, thankfully that he did understand.

"Yesterday in the bar, before you came I was upstairs with a guy.." another glance at Ryan, trying to see what he thought. But his expression was blank.

"...well that´s not really unusual, but after our fight yesterday I was really upset and pretty drunk. He...he was... I don´t know what, but he didn't treat me... very well. It kinda got our of control, I didn't want... to.. anyways..." I had to take a deep breath, to clear my head of all the images that suddenly appeared in my head once again.

Another glance at Ryan showed me that his face was really fierce, like he tried his hardest not to show anything. "The tone you used yesterday in the bath. The way you told me to undress... It was stupid, but I..." okay, did I really wanted to be honest? Was there any other way than telling him the truth, after all?  
"...I could deal with him treatning me in such a way, I probably even wanted him to. But when you said it.." I had to close my eyes.

It was impossible to look at him. Would he understand now? Would he say something, or would he just leave?

Despite the weirdness, I felt good. For the first time since months I had been really honest again. I hadn´t made up covers, I had just told him exactly what I had felt and now a huge weight had been lifted off me, finally.

"I´m sorry Seth... I didn't mean it like that, I didn't think. I was just too shocked to really make up my mind." He apologized. To me. Ryan was really saying sorry to me, after I had done the greatest shit of all?  
It felt good. That he really seemed to try to understand me, although I knew it was not easy.

"Did... this man hurt you?" Ryan looked at my chest, glanced at all the bruises and cuts that covered my once so smooth skin.

I swallowed, and nodded slightly.

The man yesterday had hurt me more than I had wanted it, more than necesarry and he had enjoyed it. That was the thing I couldn´t deal with, that he had crosed I line. I had enjoyed rough sex, the pain that came with it, but yesterday it had been about the pain, the sex was only a part of the pain, and that had been something I hadn´t wanted.

In that moment I felt really exposed to him, like every single cut and bruise would tell Ryan it´s own story. I could clearly feel how he inspected every scar very closely, spending minutes just looking at me that way.

And I just let him. Cause somehow I wanted Ryan to understand the truth, I wanted him to know, although there was nothing I feared more than his reaction to it. But I came to a point where I really had not much choices left. That Ryan would find out was defenitely the best one of all.

"What did he do?" I yerked up a little, staring at Ryan in disbelieve. He just couldnt have ask me this?! "Seth?" he urged me on, for some reason he really seemed like he wanted to know it.

But he wouldn´t be able to deal with it, not even I was and I had seen a lot more than Ryan had. I didn't look at him. "Ryan..I can´t... he hurt me, more than I wanted, but I just can´t.." There was no way I would be able to talk about how this man had treated me. I would never forget the look in his eyes as he humilated me.

"You should go to the police, or tell Sandy. It´s somethinge serious." It was, but Ryan just couldn´t get it. I could tell that he was honestly worried about me, he really tried his best to do something for me, but he couldn´t know.

"I can´t Ryan...that´s just not possible." I replied weakly.

"Of course it is! He hurt you Seth, he deserves it..."

"I can´t!" I said more urgently. But Ryan wasn´t about to give up that easily.

"You can! And I´m going to drag you there if you don-"

"He fucking paid me, Ryan!" I blurted out, unable to keep it back anylonger.

Immediatly Ryan´s mouth shut. His blue eyes stared at me in disbelieve.

"You wanted me to be honest, didn't you..?" I added sarcastically, still not able to look straight into his eyes.

Now he knew it. Maybe he had already guessed it before, but now he knew it.

"How much?" Ryan asked, his voice surprisingly calm. I couldn´t understand him. He scared me a little.

"Hundret..." I mumbled, embarrased. To tell him how much I had cost, how much I thought I would be worth, was more intimate than I had thought.

For a while, Ryan remained silent. I was already afraid that he would just get up and leave again.  
"Well, at least didn't sell your self cheap.." the hardness in his voice was like a knife on my skin. He still stared at me, and as I glanced up for a moment I shuddered slightly. I felt so bad. So exposed and dirty. But he said he wanted to know, didn't he?

There was nothing I could add to it, nothing more I could say. If you just told the one person you love that you let yourself be abused for money, what else was there to say?

Half a year ealier, I wouldn´t have understood it as well, I would have looked just as repulsed as Ryan did now.

As I didn't say anything to this, Ryan got up from my bed again. I wanted to hold him back badly, but I couldn´t. As he was already at the door, I finally realized that I just "had" to say something. I couldn´t let him go like this.

"Ryan!" I yerked up, standing there awkwardly. Ryan stopped, but didn't turn around to look at me. For a moment I was really close to telling him "I love you" just like that, to say something, anything at all.

But it wasn´t what I said. "I´m sorry..." came over my lips, just wishing he would say that´s it´s alright. That everything would be alright again.

He turned his head a little, just enough to look at me for a moment.

"Go to sleep, Seth. I´ll see what Sandy is doing." What he said was quite defenite. He left the room and let me stand there, feeling worse than ever before.

* * *

_Reviews please, just drop me a line if you liked it or not, what you think can be improved and what is good. _

_I feel encouraged by every word you write._

_Thanks a lot to everyone who already has reviewed!_


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